As I sit here, I am reflecting on love and my search for a true partner. It’s difficult for me to write this because I tend to be intensely private about my relationships. But I feel as though I am not doing myself any justice by not exploring my feelings. Over the past 4 years, there has been one woman that has had a profound affect on me.
It’s weird. I often wonder if there is anything such as a soul mate. I mean, I believe that there are soul mates for some but not all. My parents appear to be an example of true soul mates. Carl and Carol Settles were married when they were 18 years old and had me, Carl Jr., just under a year later. I have watched them go through so much together. They’ve had fights but they have always supported each other.
They are still together and recently, my father’s health has started to come into question. I watch them… the care and concern that my mother shows for my dad on a moment to moment basis. It’s moving to say the least. My father is a truly great man. He has always been there for us. Not just financially but he is emotionally present as well.
I remember my father saying how the main thing he looked forward to as a child was having a family, a real family unit. Well, he has succeeded. Carl Sr. Carol, Carl Jr. and Corey. We were and still are a family. Both me and my brother graduated from college and have gone on to successful careers. In fact, my brother went to the West Point Military Academy, eventually got married and now lives in Seattle with his wife and two beautiful daughters.
Me, well, I graduated from the University of Texas at Austin but I have yet to be married and have a family. At 43 years of age and a male, I still have some time but I’ll admit I do feel a new sense of urgency. And that brings me to this one woman… *********. I had known of  ********* through a mutual friend for maybe a couple of years but it wasn’t until about late 2007 before we actually began to entertain the idea of seeing each other.
She came over with her sister and my friend to hang out one day. I remembered meeting her before and I thought she was attractive but I also thought she was well “difficult”. Anyway, as the night progressed we kept talking and eventually ended up riding together to check out some club. As the night unfolded, I remember being struck by some of her insights. I thought, she’s difficult but there is something special there and growing up with a strong woman in my life (my mother) I was intrigued. I also wasn’t that sure if she was really into me.
Nevertheless, we exchanged numbers and eventually began to hang out. We’d talk on the phone and kind of giddily hold hands when we went out. There was something deep there. I couldn’t really put my finger on it. There was a fundamental connection that we were making. So much so, that I wrote her a song (one of the best songs I’ve ever written). I didn’t start off saying “Hey, I’ll write her a song”. It just happened. I mean it flowed right out of me. It was pure. It was beautiful. It was heartfelt and to my chagrin, it ultimately scared her to death.
I have written songs in that manner before… you know, they just flow very easily. But this was different. I sang of wanting to be a better man and my vision of her as my wife. I couldn’t help it. That’s how I felt. Well, that’s about the time she told me about her reservations. She said I was “obese” (which I was) and I owed back taxes (which I did) and had some bad habits (also true). This floored me. I could handle the back taxes and the bad habits but being FAT. “Why would you spend all this time with me if you’re not even attracted to me?”
She went on to explain that it was the way that I made her feel. I just made her feel “good” by my presence. We didn’t stop seeing each other right then but the end was near – at least for then. It’s funny because I had been in denial of my weight for most of my adult life. I was a musician and somewhat eloquent so I was able to hold my own for the most part in the romance department. Thinking on it now, perhaps I didn’t long for a life partner and a family because I took being a part of healthy family for granted. Oh, but ********* had awakened something in me. I did want to be a better man. I was not living up to my potential. I was turning 40 years old and I was sleepwalking through life.
I had to do better. Not for her but for me. Although we stopped seeing each other at that time, I began to read up on healthier eating habits and slowly started riding my bike. I got myself one of those bicycle flywheels for Christmas so that I could ride inside even when it was cold. Pretty soon I was riding everyday. I talk more in depth about my Physical Transformation in another section. But eventually I moved from the bike to walking and running and to my most current routine of High Intensity Training at the gym. It took the better part 4 years but I have dropped more than 5 full sizes and I look and feel much better. In fact, I am a better man. I know what I want professionally and I have made great strides in that direction. I am dealing with my finances and habits. I also know what I want in my ideal partner.
I guess what I am saying here is that throughout the past 4 years, ********* and I have had our ups and downs. Neither one of us is perfect but I do know there is a deep and profound love between us. Is she my soul mate? I truly can’t say – at least not yet. I do know that we have made a pledge to be friends forever and I am prepared to love her unconditionally.